Post by GW Odland on Aug 8, 2019 21:58:45 GMT -6
It's Your Call
What I am about to tell you is a true story. I don't have the exact dates. It was sometime in 2008. I was on the roof of my mother's house trying to kill wasps. I was living at my mother's house because I could no longer bear to live in my house in Columbus, OH with a wife who had decided that an open marriage was for her. It was not for me. She was motivated to have an exciting sex life without me. It was terrible but I tried to "get up to speed" but could not. I loved my wife and wanted desperately to live in peace with her, but she had nothing for me but disdain and hurt me the worst way she could. At one point I tried a half-hearted suicide attempt by taking a bunch of Clonepine and Seroquel only to wake up 3 days later. She was angry with me and continued to push me away and she knew how to do it.
I knew that if I stayed there, I would end my life. I had wanted to end my life so badly. I wasn't so sure I could live there and survive so in November of 2007 I moved back to rural Claremont, SD into my mom's house, which used to be my grandfather's house. I prayed to die, I begged to die, I convinced myself that my children would be better off without me. This is not all of the story, just too much for now. I really sucked as a father so I believed there were better alternatives. Not long after moving to South Dakota my daughter, Amber came to live with me.
I had been seeing to local VA doctor who some weeks earlier had put me on Lithium for my severe depression. He then raised the dose but a blood level test was not done. This is very important because lithium can kill you if the levels in the blood get too high. This is called lithium toxicity.
I was feeling a bit dizzy and Amber begged me to go to the local hospital and get it checked out. I was shaking badly and did need to go. I drove myself the the hospital but I was loosing motor controls rapidly. I could not sign my name and walking was becoming incresingly difficult. I guess I looked pretty bad because they took me straight back to the treatment area.
I was on a gurney in the ER monitoring my vitals as they waited for test results. My blood pressure was very low and every once in a while my BP would drop, setting off the alarms and they would come rushing in to attend to me.
As I was in that ER with all those machines, the room began to fade to black and I thought, "This is it! I finally get to get out of this place for good." I was quite excited and wanting to escape from this pain. "The kids will be fine, they are resilient and will bounce back, not like I did anything good for them anyway."
What I did experience was way beyond anything I could imagine.
Out of the blackness I could see coming toward me was a skeleton head with a black hood and in his skeletal hand was a pair of dice. All around him where floating in the background games of chance, like a roulette wheel, a black jack table, slot machines, and other gambling devices I am not able to name.
His head was many timed larger the a normal head. He was very large. He held out his skeletal hand with the dice in the and said, "It's your call"
I knew immediately what he meant. I could choose to die and be free of this torment or I could choose to live. In the following seconds, which seemed like days, I realized that my family needed me. I saw what they would go though if I left and how destroyed they would be. I was not irrelevant, I may suck at being a father, but I AM their father. I was in a place where time did not exist and every outcome played out before my eyes, how it would effect everyone in my life and not in a good way. I can't tell you exactly what I saw or how long it took, but I saw MY selfishness and what MY selfishness had done and was doing to those I loved so much.
In less time it takes to form a though I said, "I WANT TO LIVE". He leaned in even closer and said, I mean REALLY said, "THEN LIVE!" Then he was gone, the ER was back and so was I. Everything was exactly as it was when I had my vision , or experience, or what ever it was but I knew, I could not and would not ever consider ending my life again...EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had an idea of what he meant, but I'm not sure. I have no idea what the gambling devices where for, especially since I am not a gambler, at least not that kind. Life has not gotten easier and most of my kids don't talk to me, but I will stay true to my promise.
If you think I am full of shit, you're probably right, but I know what I saw. If you think I am lying or need attention, I DON'T CARE!! It's your call.
What I am about to tell you is a true story. I don't have the exact dates. It was sometime in 2008. I was on the roof of my mother's house trying to kill wasps. I was living at my mother's house because I could no longer bear to live in my house in Columbus, OH with a wife who had decided that an open marriage was for her. It was not for me. She was motivated to have an exciting sex life without me. It was terrible but I tried to "get up to speed" but could not. I loved my wife and wanted desperately to live in peace with her, but she had nothing for me but disdain and hurt me the worst way she could. At one point I tried a half-hearted suicide attempt by taking a bunch of Clonepine and Seroquel only to wake up 3 days later. She was angry with me and continued to push me away and she knew how to do it.
I knew that if I stayed there, I would end my life. I had wanted to end my life so badly. I wasn't so sure I could live there and survive so in November of 2007 I moved back to rural Claremont, SD into my mom's house, which used to be my grandfather's house. I prayed to die, I begged to die, I convinced myself that my children would be better off without me. This is not all of the story, just too much for now. I really sucked as a father so I believed there were better alternatives. Not long after moving to South Dakota my daughter, Amber came to live with me.
I had been seeing to local VA doctor who some weeks earlier had put me on Lithium for my severe depression. He then raised the dose but a blood level test was not done. This is very important because lithium can kill you if the levels in the blood get too high. This is called lithium toxicity.
I was feeling a bit dizzy and Amber begged me to go to the local hospital and get it checked out. I was shaking badly and did need to go. I drove myself the the hospital but I was loosing motor controls rapidly. I could not sign my name and walking was becoming incresingly difficult. I guess I looked pretty bad because they took me straight back to the treatment area.
I was on a gurney in the ER monitoring my vitals as they waited for test results. My blood pressure was very low and every once in a while my BP would drop, setting off the alarms and they would come rushing in to attend to me.
As I was in that ER with all those machines, the room began to fade to black and I thought, "This is it! I finally get to get out of this place for good." I was quite excited and wanting to escape from this pain. "The kids will be fine, they are resilient and will bounce back, not like I did anything good for them anyway."
What I did experience was way beyond anything I could imagine.
Out of the blackness I could see coming toward me was a skeleton head with a black hood and in his skeletal hand was a pair of dice. All around him where floating in the background games of chance, like a roulette wheel, a black jack table, slot machines, and other gambling devices I am not able to name.
His head was many timed larger the a normal head. He was very large. He held out his skeletal hand with the dice in the and said, "It's your call"
I knew immediately what he meant. I could choose to die and be free of this torment or I could choose to live. In the following seconds, which seemed like days, I realized that my family needed me. I saw what they would go though if I left and how destroyed they would be. I was not irrelevant, I may suck at being a father, but I AM their father. I was in a place where time did not exist and every outcome played out before my eyes, how it would effect everyone in my life and not in a good way. I can't tell you exactly what I saw or how long it took, but I saw MY selfishness and what MY selfishness had done and was doing to those I loved so much.
In less time it takes to form a though I said, "I WANT TO LIVE". He leaned in even closer and said, I mean REALLY said, "THEN LIVE!" Then he was gone, the ER was back and so was I. Everything was exactly as it was when I had my vision , or experience, or what ever it was but I knew, I could not and would not ever consider ending my life again...EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had an idea of what he meant, but I'm not sure. I have no idea what the gambling devices where for, especially since I am not a gambler, at least not that kind. Life has not gotten easier and most of my kids don't talk to me, but I will stay true to my promise.
If you think I am full of shit, you're probably right, but I know what I saw. If you think I am lying or need attention, I DON'T CARE!! It's your call.